I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
