Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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