i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm like, not good at living.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
