If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
