I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
