Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
