My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
