How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
