??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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