Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Never joke about your clitoris.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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