watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i now understand why vodka
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
