He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
