Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
