I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
