fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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