The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
