Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Come on in and take your pants off
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
