I want to make a zoo with you.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
