Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
