I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They took my balls.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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