I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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