so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
