hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
