I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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