So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I need to stop coming to work sober
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
