At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
