theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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