I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
