I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
