Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
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I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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