I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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