his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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