Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
