Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
