you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
