she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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