from now on my penis is your penis
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
