I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
