I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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