she woke up with a sticky ear
farters have to be the big spoon...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
