At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
