Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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