My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
