how can u be prego again
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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