Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
