seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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