Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
