i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
