Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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