I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
