hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
