Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
