I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.