so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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