please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?