Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.