You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
