just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
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I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
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I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood